I’m not doing the best. I don’t even know what all I’ve told y’all, but there’s been a ton of cancer garbage and other health crap going on for the past three years.
I want to say that for the most part, I’ve adapted and overcome, but I might be fooling myself. Or I might be doing an excellent job, I just can’t see it right now because it’s a shit mental health period.
My guts hurt. I had colitis a couple of times last year, and I have diverticulosis, so it could be either of those, or something else entirely.
My brain is fuzzy. I can’t remember things like I used to. I can’t use words like I used to. I can’t make connections in my head. I feel like an idiot trying to make art anymore because I’m no good at it.
I want to do so many things but I’m discouraged. I tried to tell myself yesterday that it’s okay to stay in bed all day if you feel bad, that it’s okay to take a bunch of naps in one day if you can’t stay awake. Today I’m still in bed because it hurts, but I can’t believe myself when I say it’s okay.
My brain says I haven’t had surgery, so there’s absolutely no possible reason that I should stay in bed.
My brain is an asshole sometimes.
I’m dizzy and my head hurts all the time and my vision is going to hell in a hand basket. I’m worried there’s cancer in my brain now. I want to tell myself that’s silly, but is it really? I don’t know anymore.
I’m a huge fan of the “ignore it and it’ll go away” philosophy. I feel like that’s weird. I tried to do that with my adrenal tumor and they just found lung cancer. I tried to do it with my reproductive system and it just hurt worse and worse until they took it all out. I tried to do it with my neurostimulator and they had to take that out. Maybe I’m just not as good at ignoring things as I think I am. Except my own friggin mental health. I’m super great at ignoring that.
I plan so many projects and I want to try so many new things and then I kick myself when I physically cannot do them.
Sometimes I wonder why I keep trying.
I tried to take a cognitive function test yesterday and I learned that I can’t do the logic puzzles that I used to love so much. They’ve become secrets of the universe to me.
I don’t even know how much I’m supposed to feel like garbage with all the hormones that are gone and can’t be replaced and all the hormones that are replaced with pills and do I even know what I’m talking about anymore?
I don’t know.
Maybe if I start writing again things will get better. Maybe they won’t.
I do feel a little better after all this though. I need to go blow my nose.
I hope you’ve stuck it out this far, because I didn’t think to say this earlier. I’m not dumping this for pity or condolences. It is what it is. I’m dumping this so maybe someone else having a rough go of it won’t feel so lonely.
Life isn’t always peaches and cream; I guess I know that as well as anyone.
I got dressed today. On a scale of 1-100, getting dressed always takes me up at least one point. I can’t sit and put makeup on today though.
When I feel better I need to make an art caddy for these days when I can’t sit at my desk and create.
Yes, April, even though you said you feel like a fraud with zero talent, that desire to make art is still there. Maybe take that as a sign that you’re not entirely hopeless and uninspired.
Oh, I make notebooks now. I would love to send you a care package of tiny notebooks and art and who-knows-what if you want one.
I think I’m gonna go catch up on my collage fodder tutorial videos now. Thanks for being here.
Hey y’all! I hope everyone’s new year is so far, so good.
I have a ton of resolutions this year.
Last year I learned fake lashes and bullet journaled for the entire year.
This year I’ve lost count. But I’m going to post more, I’ve started a planner and a tracking journal, and joined a gym. Big plans, baby!
Definitely going to post more.
And maybe not have so much bulging disc in my neck.
And hopefully find out if I have lupus or what.
And walk more since I’m too tired to run.
And sketch more.
I’ve been having some problems with not being able to read blogs. I’m not getting new posts from y’all in my email or reader, and I’m not sure why.
I miss reading y’all, but I’ve had bigger fish to fry lately. I spent last Thursday through Sunday in the hospital with numbness and tingling and weakness in my arms and legs and face, extreme fatigue, and a couple of other neurological symptoms.
So far all we know for sure is that I don’t have MS, a brain tumor, or a stroke. I have a nerve conduction study and an EMG tomorrow morning. We’ll see where we are after that.
But I’m getting some of my energy back, so here’s The Stain, watercolor on 12×12 watercolor paper.
BAM. So what do you think? November wouldn’t all fit on the dining room table, so I left off the NSFW paintings and a couple of bonus paintings.
I think it was a rousing success. I even made a Facebook page here.
I have some commissions I really need to get around to, but I’ve been fruitlessly fighting neuropathy and paresthesia and doctors to get answers. I think it’s time to find a new primary care; this one told me today that he’s not saying he doesn’t believe me, but it’s probably just anxiety so here, double up on your Klonopin and go home, April, jeez.
I hate this year.
But I painted this today.
Here’s Anathema, acrylic on 16×20 canvas.
Not a painting, but a doodle I’ve been working on all month while waiting for a layer of paint to dry. I might add color. I might not. We’ll see.
Here’s Confusion, India ink on 9×12 watercolor paper.