I Want to Swing My Fist at Mood Swings

I was working on a (relatively) lighthearted post this morning when I just stopped. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t want to do anything anymore.

Now, I’ve had my good days and plenty more bad days this cycle. I have felt like the lowest of the low. This was something different. I don’t know if I have ever felt this way before.

At first that was all it was, just ‘screw it, I’m going back to bed.’ But the more I think about it, that’s not even scratching the surface.

From early 2006, when I first stopped taking birth control, until late 2009, we weren’t ‘hardcore’ TTC. I got my PCOS diagnosis, but no one had suggested actually treating it. We were just kind of winging it, hoping in the backs of our minds to catch an egg somewhere along the way, or something like that.

For the past two years I have not taken a break, not even a week, not even two days to myself without thinking about this. Every day, every week, every month it has been do this, try this, take this, something will work.

That has not been fair to me.

Today I realized that I am trying to compensate for something that had nothing to do with me.

Today I realized that it’s not the end of the world if I say I can’t do this today. It’s not giving up. It’s not quitting.

It is taking care of myself so I can take care of either the child we may have or the relationship that we do have or both.

It is okay for me to say I need some time to get myself together. No one is going to beat me up about it like I’ve been beating myself up for the past two years. No one else will even come close.

I am important because I am me, not because I do or don’t ovulate. I am a person, not just my stupid ovaries (I’m mad at you guys right now, especially you, extra cysty lefty).

So I am going to take my thermometer, and my pee cup, and my pee sticks, and my tussin, and next month’s provera and I’m going to stick it all in a box and give it to my husband to hide because I am taking a break. So there.

12 Comments on “I Want to Swing My Fist at Mood Swings”

  1. Its totally OK to take a break… I have had one while waiting for my surgery, and it was pretty good. Its really good to not have it on your mind every minute of every day.
    Have a good break and try to enjoy it!

  2. Wait, does this mean you’ve given up on this month? I’m all for taking a TTC break. Sometimes you just need to not deal with it for a month (or more).

    • aprilvak says:

      Well, no, I can’t stop on CD17. I’m actually really crampy today which never happens so early or without provera. But charting and peeing is not doing anything but making me feel bad, especially when I go to put my BBT and it screams CYCLE DAY 434!!! at me.

  3. Good for you, sometimes we just need a break. It just gets to be too much and mentally, you just have to let it go for a month or two.

  4. teri says:

    I’m thisclose to taking a few months off myself.

  5. Belle says:

    Taking a break is not just good, I think it is critical to our well being. After going at this for so long (you know your threshold – three months or three years) I can start to forget who I really am. Hard as it was to take my mandatory two month break after OHSS, I’m so glad I have. It is good to laugh again. I’m glad you are listening to your body.

    • aprilvak says:

      It was so hard this morning not to roll over and reach for my thermometer (that’s not there!) when I woke up. But I remembered! And it felt good.

  6. Breaks are awesome. We took one for a month or two while waiting to hear back from the RE, and honestly, it felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders. Not every single day of the break, of course. Half the time I still obsessed, but there were at least entire half hours spent thinking about what to have for dinner (the answer is always KD) and whether or not I should watch the Jerry Springer Show or nap. I do think that break put me in a better place mentally.

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