The Razor’s Edge

Depression is a beastly motherfucker. 

This morning I had my first appointment with my new doctor. The first doctor I’ve ever had who immediately wanted to treat my PCOS in spite of me not wanting to try to conceive. 

I came in for a referral to an endocrinologist, a prescription for spironolactone, and maybe something to help my increasingly frequent migraines since I’m allergic to the number one migraine med. 

I left for hours later, my pee in a cup, my blood in some tubes, and my chest on an X-ray. I carried one prescription for metformin, one for spironolactone, and one for Topamax. Within an hour I had an email with an appointment with an endocrinologist. 

That part went well. 

Bullshit #1: I’ll tell you, I was super pissed that I couldn’t get into the endocrinology clinic any time within the next year with a referral from the family practice clinic in the same hospital, but let them take one phone call from a different clinic and it’s see you in November, Mrs. April

We dropped our prescriptions off and were told an hour. We went home. I got the text that mine was ready. Even though Ian hadn’t, it had been nearly two hours, so we went to pick them up. 

After a bunch of back-and-forth about names and can’t-find-yours-sir and insurance, we left the drive thru missing one of mine and one of his, and one that he got only had half the number of pills it was supposed to. I said park it, and went inside with righteous fury. 

Bullshit #2: The only prescription I really cared about, the spironolactone, wasn’t in the bag because they thought the dosage said 2/5mg and the pills come in 25mg. And nobody answered at the doctor’s office. And no one called them back from the doctor’s office. And they sent the it’s ready text anyway because the three prescriptions that were on the same single sheet of paper were entered at different times today. 

I’m sure. I’ve been using this pharmacy for eleven years without problems. You had two hours to call them. And then you sent me a text that all of my prescriptions were ready. And you weren’t even going to tell me anything about this? Because we were just handed the bag in the drive thru with a thank you. No explanation. Nothing. 

I wanted to scream at her. Look at my face, lady. Do you see this fucking beard? I didn’t shave it today because I wanted the doctor to see its fucking luxuriousness. Do you think I like walking around looking like this? I have an appointment next week for my first round of laser hair removal. I can’t do anything to this bastard but shave it right now and it’s making me fucking crazy. I have to look in the mirror every day at this black reminder of how I have shit ovaries that ruined the one thing I wanted to do with my life. Every fucking day. And I hate it, and it makes me hate myself. So go fill the 25mg pills. I’ll wait right here. 

I wanted to make her cry so she could feel one tiny fraction of everything that I was feeling, because I knew she was lying with her tedious explanation. I do it to customers all the time. I bullshit them just like she was bullshitting me. 

But I didn’t. I took the other half of his prescription and I took her explanation that they were out of his blood pressure meds until tomorrow and I left. Because I knew if I started in on her I wouldn’t be able to stop. 

I’ve spent the past two hours in bed being alternately angry and sad. Crying and playing a stupid coin push game on my phone and shutting out the world with extra loud dubstep in my headphones. Because on top of all this I had to unpack a bottle of metformin to put on my counter and look at every day, just like the fucking beard, and it brought back all those years of miserably failing to conceive. All at once, on top of me. 

And then I got up and I fucking shaved and I came to tell you about this. 

 I’m so sick of hating my body for letting me down, but I don’t know how to stop. 

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13 Comments on “The Razor’s Edge”

  1. Do you have a therapist or physciatris?

  2. LRose says:

    I can’t relate, except to say I recognize desperate desire. You are brave to share what you are going through, and we can do nothing except to say ‘hold fast’ and ‘don’t come undone.’ Don’t forget, you will always have a husband, parent, friend, sibling, cousin, nieces, nephews, neighbor’s children, and the stray kid you befriend along the way who will be the ultimate benefactors of the nurturing you so desperately want to give.

  3. Depression is hard I’m a victim too.

  4. susieshy45 says:

    April, I can so relate- my daughter 17 has recently been diagnosed as PCOS- am terribly worried about her future. We have put her on a diet and she is losing weight- she didn’t have much to lose in the first place but she used to eat a lot of junk- like chips which were her staple- now she is eating totally healthy and exercising. But her periods just don’t come- ever. And I spend most of my time worrying.
    Susie

    • April says:

      I might have had ten natural periods in my life. Birth control pills were the best thing for me. They controlled all of my symptoms.

      • susieshy45 says:

        Thanks for sharing that !
        It seems her problem is chips which was her staple diet and lack of exercise- she is skinny- always has been and yet …

      • April says:

        PCOS and skinny aren’t mutually exclusive. That’s the problem with PCOS, though: two women can have two completely different sets of symptoms under the PCOS umbrella. But at least she has a timely diagnosis.


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