Three Week Wait

So I kind of decided to go it alone for this two week wait. I just didn’t bring it up here. Maybe I was afraid of jinxing myself, since I’m so superstitious. I can’t really say.

Signs point to me ovulating on CD12, the same day as last time. It’s now CD31, so I’m four days late, and I have gigantic, painful boobs, bloating, general craziness, among other sundry symptoms, and three negative pee sticks.

When I say gigantic boobs, I mean people other than my husband and me have noticed. A friend of ours asked my husband about them when I was out of earshot. I thought that was a little weird, but my husband acted like it was par for the course. Maybe they’re bigger than I thought.

When I say bloating, I mean I’ve been wearing yoga pants for three days. But, y’know, who wouldn’t do that if they could get away with it?

When I say general craziness, I mean mood swings, silliness, forgetfulness, and inability to concentrate. And I can’t drive. I have driven hundreds of thousands of miles. I am an excellent driver. But I scared the crap out of my husband the other day. I also laughed hysterically at a shark/helicopter photoshop that really wasn’t that funny. You’d probably have to know me better for that one to make sense though.

And, before today anyway, I’ve been mostly pretty happy. Way more than is normal for me.

Well, I’ll pee again Monday and see how it goes.

Why PCOS Sucks

I know now that my PCOS was incredibly well controlled for close to a decade by simple birth control pills. Basically, I came off those, and all hell broke loose.

Now, I have a whole list of symptoms, but my acne isn’t bad, I can deal with cysts, and struggling to lose weight isn’t that big a problem. Obviously, the infertility part is a huge concern, but there are two symptoms that cause me the most daily distress.

You can call me shallow all you want, but this seriously bothers me. Every new dark, coarse hair I discover symbolizes to me how screwed up my body is. Being blonde and fair skinned only makes it worse, because for most of my life, you would have been hard pressed to notice hair on my arms at all.

20120121-215335.jpgAnd now look at this Sasquatch-y monstrosity! I feel grotesque. These bastards are everywhere. So I shave, and I pluck, and I lotion, and all that only serves to remind me how barren I am. It sucks.

And then there’s the apparently never ending struggle with my blood pressure. Literally days after stopping birth control, it was higher than it had ever been, but fortunately I used to run pretty low. And it just kept creeping up.

Finally, about a year ago, one of my doctors started me on methyldopa, which worked absolutely fantastically until they started canceling my appointments and I couldn’t get a refill. So I was out for about a month, and now it’s not working as well, even with ever higher doses.

I’m apparently one of the lucky ones who’s pretty sensitive to blood pressure fluctuations, so if it’s even a little too high or too low I’ll get headaches, fatigue, weakness, and dizziness, all of which are also side effects of my medicine and renew themselves every time my dosage increases.

So it’s like I’ve had mono for the past two months or so, and that just makes me feel guilty. Guilty for not being able to take care of everything I would be able to take care of if I felt better, guilty for having a body that doesn’t work right, guilty for being boring because I never feel up to having fun, guilty for wanting to have children at all, because if I didn’t, I’d still be trucking along on birth control with not a damn thing wrong with me.

And then I feel angry at myself for feeling guilty. Which is just another thing to feel guilty about. Stupid vicious cycles.

Also: I take metformin. Doesn’t help.

The Good Reasons for the Crazy

I’ll warn you, this post is nothing but a whole lotta TMI. Be prepared.

Today my cycle buddy is on CD1. And I had another negative this morning. Something is going on in there. And for once, I’m inclined to believe the best.

I wrote about my Clomid symptoms here. Today I’ll share my post-ovulation symptoms.

Ovulation, observed by BBT and CM. About a week earlier than the other one on Clomid.

I packed up all my stuff early afternoon. I have come to regard this as a mistake. Evening brought some mild cramping. I did have nausea and vomited once that morning, but that does happen with my meds.

I woke with metal mouth, tingly teeth, and nausea, still cramping, a little more strongly. The bad taste came and went, but the tingles were here to stay. Boobs looked stretch-markier. Increased creamy CM. Sooo tired. Headache.

More metal, worse teeth, more nausea, still cramping, also some fluttery feelings. Continued leukorrhea. More emotional than usual. I talked to my mommy for over an hour. Two naps today. Headache.

Metal, teeth, nausea, cramps, fluttery, leukorrhea, and now some lower back pain. I feel emotional, but I feel good. Like happy. I think I remember what that’s like. Still tired though. Headache.

10 DPO
First negative in AM. Cramps much improved, metal taste and tooth sensitivity worse. Still excessive CM. When I cry I’m bawling. There’s no working up to it. But when I feel good I feel fantastic! Even when I’m sleepy. Headache.

11 DPO
Hubby noted that for the past week I want to jump his bones every morning between 11 and noon. Little to no cramping, but taste, teeth, and CM the same. Still tired. Headache.

12 DPO
Teeth worse than ever!! And then I freak out because for once, I’m not tired enough to nap. In spite of the headache.

13 DPO
So hungry all day, but I’m scared to eat by now cause of my teeth…but somebody encouraged me to want barbecue…You know who you are.

14 DPO
Negative cheapie AM, fricking ? on FR gold PM. I only had to rest twice on a trip to the big bad wal store! Still headache.

15 DPO
Negative cheapie, AM and PM. I’m getting pretty darn good at holding it all day by now, if I do say so myself.

16 DPO
AF is officially late. Some serious business lower back pain. Super tired all day. Heavy boobs. Headache.

17 DPO
Negative on cheapie this AM. Absolute worst taste in my mouth yet. Hot pork rinds helped while I was eating them though. Lefty is quite noticeable larger than righty now.

So, what do you think? Sounds good, right? I’ll let you know when my appointment is.