What Keeps Me Up at Night

I’ll start with this: Lexapro sucks. I tried it about fifteen years ago, and it didn’t help me then, but I thought getting paid to take it might make up for something.

Now, now, I’m sure it helps plenty of depression sufferers, but it doesn’t help me. I’d venture that I’m worse; not because of depression, but because of sleep.

You know I have sleep issues. Deep, dark, evil sleep issues. But now I’m back to having problems falling asleep, and keeping my not staying asleep and early waking symptoms. Not every night, yet, but since I haven’t been dealing with that for a few months now, I have to get used to it all over again.

I think. Oh, I think. I hate it. I wish I knew if I can’t sleep because I’m depressed and think about this crap, or if I’m depressed and think about this crap because I can’t sleep. I really believe the latter is the issue. When I don’t dwell on things at bedtime, I don’t spend as much time thinking about them during the day.

I think about that fucking counselor. Her incompetence, her judgment, her lies. I wonder how, as an LMFT, she can ignore concerns about a child abuser. I wonder how, as a stepparent herself, she can tell me that I don’t parent. I wonder how, as someone who never achieved a viable pregnancy, she can criticize and trivialize my infertility. I wonder how, as a human being, she can do such a crappy job and live with herself.

I am hurt, and I am angry.

I wish I could go all Johnny Mnemonic and selectively dump a chunk of long-term memory. And it would be every second that had anything to do with that counselor. Because it isn’t the infidelity that I can’t cope with, it isn’t the struggle over Abby, it isn’t the rupture and subsequent ongoing repair of our marriage that keeps me up at night.

It’s the horrible things that were said and weren’t said in that room last summer. The things that were said, the things that were ignored, and the things that were just pulled from thin air for filler in her mockery of a ‘report.’

I feel like letting her continue to work for the court is like letting a rapist go free.