Tomorrow morning the counselor will be asking if I did my homework, so I’m sharing it with you so I don’t forget.
Five Positive Affirmations
1. I have the best blogging buddies anybody could ask for. I’m so lucky to have you guys.
2. I make good arts.
Okay, I realize now that I don’t have pictures of anything but doodles on my phone, and I won’t be home until late. I’ll have to get back to you on this one. But this one’s fitting since I have beaver fever, right? And it’s my husband’s favorite.
3. I am an awesome cook. If your clothes are getting a little big, just give me a call.
4. I am a smart shopper. I’m no extreme couponer, but I feed us pretty darn well on about $100 a month. More than that and we really eat like kings.
5. My family loves me.
Bonus! I do good nails.
And now I can’t stop thinking about that asparagus risotto.
I had a bit of a chat yesterday morning with a friend who moved away a few years ago, and when she asked me how I was doing, I was able to say, in all honesty, ‘pretty well, actually.’
Now, when anyone asks me that question, I really do give it serious thought, but my answer always depends on whether or not the asker really give two bits about how I am. I don’t ask unless I want to hear your answer, but the question itself has become such a standardized greeting, in retail, for example, that it doesn’t necessarily call for a real response. Instead of ‘Hi!/Hi!,’ it’s ‘How are you?/Fine, how are you?’ Pet peeve of mine.
But yes, pretty well, actually. I’ve come to terms with a lot more lately than I ever have. I’ve been able to finally find the right words to explain some things to my husband that he never quite got before. I’ve really and truly been able to take it one day at a time, or less, if need be. And even though I decided at the last minute to sit NaNoWriMo out, I’ve come to believe that yes, there really is a book in there after all.
Maybe I’m on a high because we leave tomorrow for my mom’s. She should still be feeling half decent from her last round of treatment, so that’s good. It should be a good trip.
The only real dark spots on an otherwise reasonably bright and shining excerpt of my life are my worries and concerns for the wonderful friends I’ve made here who are having their own troubling times; from a sick mom, to a sick brother, to maddening waits, to sisters popping out babies like they’re going out of style. I love you gals, and I just wish I could protect you from all the things out there that make you sad. If I’m doing better, I should be able to do something for you. I hope it all works out okay, and nobody’s brain breaks.
How are you doing?
Yesterday morning morning my best friend called me to catch up. We don’t talk often, so when we do there’s usually quite a bit of catching up. We swapped horror stories (trust me, they’re horror stories) for a while, until the conversation spiraled downward into my emotional and situational turmoil. She tried so hard to convince me of so much good, but none of it sank in. But it started to, last night. And it finished this morning.
Last night, I read an admirable post from jjiraffe, in which she posed the question, ‘Is it possible to live a life of adventure and fun once you have chosen the white picket side of the fence?’
- My whole life I feel I craved this life of a suburban home with two kids and a husband. I certainly busted my ass to be here. So why is it so hard sometimes to BE here?
While it’s undeniable I took a different path to get where I am now, I completely identify with this entire sentiment. Over and over, I’ve said that all I wanted was to be a wife and mother. I definitely busted my ass to still be in this marriage today.
And I constantly wonder where the challenge comes from.
Is it a failing in me? Was this not the right choice for me to make? Is this so hard because I’m trying to hold a grudge against my daughter for crimes she is just as much a victim of as I am?
I have turned away from answering the latter question so many times, both because I fear it to be true and because I dread it to be true. I finally realize that it isn’t true. I know I would never try to blame her for being here. The only feeling besides love that I have for this beautiful creature who hugs me around the neck when she sees me crying is a wistful longing that she should have been mine. And she is mine, albeit unconventionally, even for this community, with our 1,001 ways of babymaking.
With this loving family, how could I ever think this wasn’t the right choice to make? There is no other choice, really. Which only leaves the question of whether or not it’s a failing in myself that’s causing so much anguish.
Am I a bad person? No. I’m not a bad person. I just refuse to cut myself the same breaks that I cut everyone else. I expect perfection from myself, but I’m only human.
Am I just not meant to parent? That can’t be it, I am a great mom. And I finally believe all of my family and friends who have told me so.
Am I just someone who has too much on her shoulders, but refuses to ask for help? Yes. All the wishing in the world won’t make solutions instantly available for some problems, but I don’t want to accept that. I want my life to be the way I want it, and I want it now. Why do I criminalize myself for this? I don’t know. I can’t bring myself to accept that I can’t fix everything. I want to, so badly.
So I will set out to reclaim the April-that-was, the fun, confident, adventurous girl who always had a smile for everyone, except the jerks. And even the jerks got a smile when I was sarcastically criticizing them with really big words. Study up on your vocabulary, kids, you want to know when someone’s calling you an idiot to your face.
Let’s see how far uphill I can roll this boulder without being crushed again.
‘No one should feel alone, no one should feel hopeless and no one should feel helpless. If each one of us spread compassion think of what a beautiful, caring, loving and peaceful world we would live in.’
This is a day I can really stand behind with pride. I try to spread compassion every day, to lead by example. I don’t do much, in the grand scheme of things, but little things can do so much for someone who is hurting.
I wish, for just one day, everyone could be kind to everyone else. Hold a door open, pick up a dropped item, or call your friend who seems a little down on Facebook, instead of just commenting or doing nothing.
We have become too suspicious of people ‘just being nice.’ The culture of fear that so many of us live in today is crushing the spirit of compassion that is so necessary to making any society livable.
Just be nice today. You never know how much your small kindnesses can affect another person.
You can read more about Worldwide Spread Compassion Day here.
Today is CD1. The last one for a while. Because this is IT. I’ve got the right drug cocktail, I’ve got the right fertility fetishes (not that kind of fetish, dirty minds!), I’ve got the right mindset.
I have to wonder, though. Can you have too much of a good thing? Can I be too positive and optimistic? Wouldn’t it be kinder to my fragile little psyche if I were a little more cautiously optimistic? I really did stop to seriously consider this, and do you want to know what I came up with?
I don’t care.
It may be kinder, but I don’t care. It may be more logical, but I don’t care! I don’t care if I’m too positive, I don’t care if I’m too optimistic. I don’t care if it’s good for me, I don’t care if it’s bad.
I have spent my entire life trying to be prepared for the worst. Guess what that has taught me. Go ahead. I’ll give you a minute.
Trying to be prepared for the worst has taught me that it’s impossible. If the worst does come, you’re not ready for it. The worst is, by definition, pretty darn bad. The worst is actually worse than you thought it could be. And since the actual worst is worse than the worst you made any kind of plans for, you’re screwed either way. You’ve either wasted your time worrying about the bad tomorrow that never came, or you’ve been slapped in the face by your biggest nightmare times ten.
Well, I quit.
All that’s done for me is make me feel bad about myself. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself, and there’s actually plenty of reason for me to feel good about myself. I’m going to focus on that for a while.
So if you’re looking, a spot has just opened up for a Negative Nancy, because I’ve thrown in the towel. No benefits, and you have to train yourself. No pay, but if you’re really good at it, you can make others miserable as well as yourself.
See? It’s working already. I put a positive spin on negativity!