Happy ICLW!

Oops, I forgot that I signed up! Thank goodness for reminders, eh?

It’s been a while, and I haven’t posted in a couple weeks, so let’s have a nice getting-to-know-you post.

Hi! I’m April.

That’s entirely to cheery for how I’ve been feeling lately. Let’s take the exclamation point out.

Hi, I’m April. Welcome to my blog. If you’re new here, this started out as an infertility blog. You can read a timeline here. We called it quits with infertility treatments a while back to focus on foster adoption. Right now we’re just waiting to hear back from the DA, and then we can get home studied and start being foster parents. There’s so much less paperwork in family building the old fashioned way.

Let’s see, about me. I like to read, I like to cook, I like to write, I like to sew. My favorite book is The Waste Lands by T. S. Eliot. My favorite thing to cook is my vegetarian chili, but I’m not a vegetarian. My favorite thing to write is short fiction. My favorite thing to sew is pillows.

I have a husband, Ian, a stepdaughter, Abby, three cats and two turtles. Well, only one of the cats claims me, but you know how that goes.

I have two part time jobs, but I’m really a writer. Granted, that did not make me too much money last year, but it’s cool. I can’t wait to announce it at my next class reunion. They don’t need to see my 1099s.

I think that’s all for now. Ask me a question. I’ll answer.

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Coming Back to the World

This is the first ICLW I’ve participated in in a long time. I had so much to deal with, between court (over!), and counselors (over!), and doctor appointments (last one tomorrow!), and lost hope (regained!).

And anger. So much anger. At myself, at the justice system, at the world. 

I closed up shop and sank in on myself. I focused on the wrong things at the wrong times, if there ever was a right time. For much of it, there wasn’t. So much has changed. 

Trying? That’s done, finito, the end! I cannot say enough how much a change that has made in my outlook on life. Everything is brighter, shiny and new. Everything is fantastic. I knew I was miserable, but I didn’t realize just how miserable I was until after we finally made the decision

It feels good to be back to myself. I didn’t know how much I missed me. It feels good to open up again to others, to reach out and be reached out to. It feels good to not be alone. 

So welcome, say hi, stick around, invite me over. I’m happy to visit because I’m happy to be here.


Why PCOS Sucks

I know now that my PCOS was incredibly well controlled for close to a decade by simple birth control pills. Basically, I came off those, and all hell broke loose.

Now, I have a whole list of symptoms, but my acne isn’t bad, I can deal with cysts, and struggling to lose weight isn’t that big a problem. Obviously, the infertility part is a huge concern, but there are two symptoms that cause me the most daily distress.

Hirsutism
You can call me shallow all you want, but this seriously bothers me. Every new dark, coarse hair I discover symbolizes to me how screwed up my body is. Being blonde and fair skinned only makes it worse, because for most of my life, you would have been hard pressed to notice hair on my arms at all.

20120121-215335.jpgAnd now look at this Sasquatch-y monstrosity! I feel grotesque. These bastards are everywhere. So I shave, and I pluck, and I lotion, and all that only serves to remind me how barren I am. It sucks.

Hypertension
And then there’s the apparently never ending struggle with my blood pressure. Literally days after stopping birth control, it was higher than it had ever been, but fortunately I used to run pretty low. And it just kept creeping up.

Finally, about a year ago, one of my doctors started me on methyldopa, which worked absolutely fantastically until they started canceling my appointments and I couldn’t get a refill. So I was out for about a month, and now it’s not working as well, even with ever higher doses.

I’m apparently one of the lucky ones who’s pretty sensitive to blood pressure fluctuations, so if it’s even a little too high or too low I’ll get headaches, fatigue, weakness, and dizziness, all of which are also side effects of my medicine and renew themselves every time my dosage increases.

So it’s like I’ve had mono for the past two months or so, and that just makes me feel guilty. Guilty for not being able to take care of everything I would be able to take care of if I felt better, guilty for having a body that doesn’t work right, guilty for being boring because I never feel up to having fun, guilty for wanting to have children at all, because if I didn’t, I’d still be trucking along on birth control with not a damn thing wrong with me.

And then I feel angry at myself for feeling guilty. Which is just another thing to feel guilty about. Stupid vicious cycles.

Also: I take metformin. Doesn’t help.


Happy ICLW?

Guys, I’m sorry. I have tried and tried to come up with a nice happy little ‘welcome ICLWers’ post, and it’s just not happening.

The closer it gets to Christmas, the sadder I get. We haven’t seen our little girl in two weeks. Baby mama is pulling some bullshit ‘you can’t see her’ crap and we don’t even know why.

Please, just send us some wishes and hopes and prayers that she will come to her senses soon, because who knows how long it will take to get a court date.

This sucks.


ICLW and Holiday Travel

What a long day today! I tried to get a good bit of packing done last night, so we’d be able to leave for my family’s as soon as I finished delivering my papers this morning, but I could have tried harder. So I felt pretty guilty about my poor, sick husband finishing up the packing while wrangling the holy terror who wasn’t getting a nap until we got on the road.

But we got it all together and hit the road. There was a little screaming at first(she’s not a fan of long rides), but then blessed, blessed naptime. For almost two hours!

We stopped at my brother’s house for a bit, then continued on and made it to our destination without too much hearing loss.

I’d forgotten how it smells to drive through south Louisiana during sugar cane harvesting. It smells like home.

We’ve been here almost seven hours now, and it’s been a good visit so far. I hugged my youngest brother whole bunches, and my stepdad stocked up on goodies for his grandbaby. And my mom hasn’t gone to bed yet! It’s good to see her feeling good. My sister will be here Wednesday, maybe even bringing our other brother with her. It would be so nice for us all to be together again.

It looks like I’ll be doing my commenting early morning or late night. I’m really looking forward to reading all the great blogs this week!


Happy IComLeavWe!

I’d like to start with a big thank you to all of my regular readers, because I appreciate you guys so much! I know I’ve been MIA the past few days, but there’s been a lot going on. I am so grateful for the support you’ve offered me in this hard time.

Secondly, a big welcome to everyone stopping by for IComLeavWe! Thank you for stopping by and having a look around! I hope you see something you like.

Now, an apology, filled with regret. Thanks to AT&T’s ‘upgrade,’ our hardware is now obsolete, and so I’m currently without interwebs except on my iPhone (ugh, 3G instead of wifi). So, unfortunately, I will be unable to comment on many of my favorite blogs, and on many of the new favorites that I hope to discover in the coming week. But I’m still reading!