I know now that my PCOS was incredibly well controlled for close to a decade by simple birth control pills. Basically, I came off those, and all hell broke loose.
Now, I have a whole list of symptoms, but my acne isn’t bad, I can deal with cysts, and struggling to lose weight isn’t that big a problem. Obviously, the infertility part is a huge concern, but there are two symptoms that cause me the most daily distress.
You can call me shallow all you want, but this seriously bothers me. Every new dark, coarse hair I discover symbolizes to me how screwed up my body is. Being blonde and fair skinned only makes it worse, because for most of my life, you would have been hard pressed to notice hair on my arms at all.
And then there’s the apparently never ending struggle with my blood pressure. Literally days after stopping birth control, it was higher than it had ever been, but fortunately I used to run pretty low. And it just kept creeping up.
Finally, about a year ago, one of my doctors started me on methyldopa, which worked absolutely fantastically until they started canceling my appointments and I couldn’t get a refill. So I was out for about a month, and now it’s not working as well, even with ever higher doses.
I’m apparently one of the lucky ones who’s pretty sensitive to blood pressure fluctuations, so if it’s even a little too high or too low I’ll get headaches, fatigue, weakness, and dizziness, all of which are also side effects of my medicine and renew themselves every time my dosage increases.
So it’s like I’ve had mono for the past two months or so, and that just makes me feel guilty. Guilty for not being able to take care of everything I would be able to take care of if I felt better, guilty for having a body that doesn’t work right, guilty for being boring because I never feel up to having fun, guilty for wanting to have children at all, because if I didn’t, I’d still be trucking along on birth control with not a damn thing wrong with me.
And then I feel angry at myself for feeling guilty. Which is just another thing to feel guilty about. Stupid vicious cycles.
Also: I take metformin. Doesn’t help.