It’ll All Work Out

  • Oh, I can’t do this. I can’t do this. It’s just too hard.
  • The thought chased its own tail through all the mazes of Andi’s mind, repeating itself relentlessly as it gnawed at her morale. Out loud, however, she simply chanted the numbers.

    “One hundred!!” The triumph in her voice was palpable, and she eased herself to the ground, unable to do one more push-up if her life depended on it. She had every right to be proud; she’d gone from nine to one hundred push-ups in less than seven weeks.

    The goal was arbitrary; she’d plucked it out of the air a few days after Thanksgiving when she realized that her favorite pair of jeans no longer buttoned. Andi hadn’t told a soul about what she was doing, but a couple of her closest friends and coworkers noticed that she was holding her head up a little higher these days.

    The best part? Andi’s ex, who unfortunately worked in her building–thankfully on another floor–was on paternity leave after the birth of his first child with his new wife, for whom he’d dumped Andi less than a year ago. Daniel had no idea that Andi was undertaking this journey of self-discovery, and he certainly had no idea that she had finally found her way out of pining for him.

    She chuckled, still face down on the carpet. He’s going to expect me to still be in love with him, but I’m finally in love with myself. It’s going to be a glorious new year!

    Andi rolled over and spread her arms, stretching as far as she could reach. It felt good to achieve, and it felt great to achieve for herself. She chuckled again, thinking how proud her sister would be. Her sister, who always said that Daniel was all wrong for her. Well, she was right, after all.

    She closed her eyes and reveled in her victory.

    OLWG #87


    Welcoming Myself Back

    It’s time to return. It’s time to get back to writing. It’s time to get back to feeling like myself.

    It’s been so long!! I’m sorry–to you, my friends and readers, and to myself. I made a mistake.

    At first I thought the mistake was in going back to my old job in the first place; sure, it was nice to have that extra money, but *cue drama* at what cost? I dunno, it was fun for a while. It was fun at first, and then it just had its moments. I think the part that I missed was the competition.I know I was the best assistant manager in the company, mostly because I had absolutely no ambition to move up, so I could throw everything I had into improving the store where I was instead of being distracted by keeping a lookout for who I could steal a job from.

    By the way, this is past tense because–dun dun dun! I quit last month.

    Anyway, no competition. And then I had enough of the backstabbing. And then I just couldn’t take physically being there anymore, constantly reliving the Very Bad Time (©SRB) from 2009.

    But the competition. I need that.

    I mean, who can I compete with around here for the title of best wife/mom? It’s me by default, and that’s not how I like to win.

    I can come back home, here, and write. I can compete against myself again, participate in challenges, stuff like that. Yay me!

    It feels like quite a few of my blogging ‘class’ is on hiatus right now. I’m not the only one who thinks of people that way, am I? The first bloggers I befriended/befriended me. You know what I mean.

    When I read Kathy’s most recent post I felt a little better, for not being the only one who feels this way.

    This is so hard. I used to just sit down and whip out a few hundred words at the drop of a hat, for crying out loud. Look at me now, a good twenty minutes in and struggling to keep my head above water. I don’t know the last time I felt so awkward at a keyboard, even a pen and paper. My fingers want to go all out, but I don’t have any messages to send them to transcribe.

    But what else is a new year for? Objectively, it’s just a day like any other day, but subjectively, it’s different. It’s time for change and goals and all that happy crappy.

    So here.

    I keep seeing this Zero to Hero thing from WordPress–I’ll start with that.

    I’ll go back to all the things I promised to share with you, well, over two months ago. And share them.

    I have this vague idea for a fiction bloggy collaboration kind of thing. Anyone perk up at that?

    And I’ll finish that damn sequel. After I get it off Lappy and bring it over to Lappy 2.0. Eventually.

    Good? Good. Let’s-a go! Sorry, too much Mario around here lately.


    Project Dreamcatcher: Week Two

    This week the devil’s in the details: our assignment is to define our steps.

    This video is about using video games as a model for goal-setting, and what jjiraffe says about ‘have dones’ in her week two post really clicked with me.

    I’ve never played Candy Crush, but I can transfer her analogy to another game, like Culdcept.

    20130613-221144.jpg
    I don’t know how many dozens or hundreds of hours I’ve spent playing this game, but it’s a lot. I beat the game, but that wasn’t enough. I had to get all the cards, I had to get all the medals. There’s a cheat code for the medals, but that’s cheating. It doesn’t mean anything when you didn’t have to do anything to get there. And you know what? I still haven’t gotten all the medals. I do have all 500-ish cards.

    In the game, both of these are beautiful pictorials of ‘have dones.’ Even before collecting all the cards, it was very satisfying to scroll through my collection and see the number of blank spaces diminishing. And that is encouraging. And yes, I was anal retentive enough to have a notebook listing the medals I hadn’t received yet, along with a brief description so I’d know the requirements for each. It was awfully nice to be able to cross them out.

    And so the first step I’ll define will be to make a ‘have done’ collage, a physical reminder of all the great things that I have done. Something I can see and say to myself, ‘look what I did, look at all these things I have to be proud of.’ A vision board of past achievements. And I’ll put it up…um, somewhere. We don’t have much wall available.

    20130614-203229.jpgBut at least we have eclecticism on our side. Is that even a word? It definitely describes the wall above my desk, anyway.

    Second, I will list the things about myself of which I am so critical. How do I know what I need to feel better about when I don’t know what I consider bad?

    Third, I will prioritize said list. And I will work on items one by one, because I know that’s what will work best for me.


    Goaltending

    I have been lax.

    I have not been updating my goals or emptying my inbox weekly.

    I can make excuses, but I know they’re just excuses. So it’s time to play catch-up. 

    Goals:

    1. I will complete a first draft of my next novel by April 1. I admit it. I am super far behind on the word count I intended to have by March. Looks like I’m going to be doing an unscheduled NaNoWriMo to get myself back on track. But I did it once, I can do it again!
    2. Every Sunday by bedtime my inbox will be empty and the posts I intend to comment on will be commented on. Yup. Been slacking for a while now. I’ve got over a hundred waiting there for me as we speak. Best get to it.
    3. I will make a quilt from that stack of bandannas by the time it’s cold enough to need it this fall. Find bag of bandannas: check. Research quilting: check. Begin to practice by sewing doll and baby quilts: begun. Is that a check then? I’m not sure. I won’t count it. But I have several months for this one. It’s on the back burner until April, starting today.
    4. I will make and share one new goal every week this year. Behind! I shall list my goals and post them by tomorrow, catching myself up. So if you look, you’ll read five new goals tomorrow. Hold me to it!
    5. I will do one touristy thing this year that Ian has been asking about for forever. No ideas on this one yet, other than Cafe du Monde. But right now, touristy isn’t in the budget. Money or time.
    6. I will make dinner to Pandora at least one night a week, every week. This one I have been doing. Check!
    7. I will return to weekly menu planning. I have not. Well, I haven’t written any down. I’ve planned aloud. Okay, that doesn’t count.
    8. I will moisturize more faithfully than once in a blue moon–like, say, once a week to start with. Yay! I’ve been doing this one.
    9. I will make more frivolous goals until I am caught up on what needs to be done. Yup.
    10. I will make time to breathe every week. I have been breathing, but as needed, not because I made time. I need to prioritize this more. If I make time to breathe, I will be better prepared to handle what life throws at me when it’s thrown, instead of spending so much time recuperating.

    Let’s see where that puts me. Okay, two of those are on hold, so out of eight, I have kept up with three, as planned. But I hope to be able to report a much higher number tomorrow. Fingers crossed!


    Weekly Goal Check

    When I listed my goals a few days ago I did not budget for depression. I think I’ve been out of bed maybe ten minutes today? Probably not that long. No reading, no playing on my phone, just dozing and crying in my nest of three comforters and umpteen pillows. I’m getting there, though.

    In a bit I’ll see if I can make it to the living room without tears. If so, I’ll drag some more boxes from Abby’s closet to sort through for delivery to the storage unit we’re getting tomorrow.

    I made it! But it’s so quiet that Bruce bathing himself sounds like he’s sucking the marrow from the bones in his ass. Winter makes my ears ring.

    Now the question remains of whether or not I can finish and stack these tubs in an orderly fashion before Ian gets home in an hour and a half or so. I think I got this.

    My new goal is to cook dinner to Pandora at least once a week. Nothing like singing, dancing, mixing, and measuring in the midst of this dead silence. I had a blast last night making potato soup and potato rolls to Lady Gaga Radio. I’m sure the neighbors enjoyed my concert as well; they probably couldn’t hear the music but I was definitely loud enough.

    Tomorrow: over 9000 things to do. Wish us luck!


    Resolution Revolution

    I’ve made my share of New Year’s resolutions; who hasn’t? But I didn’t make a single one this year.

    In fact, I didn’t even consider making or not making them until two days ago, when Ian asked me what mine were, and I replied that I had none.

    Today I did put some thought into it, and I decided that, like so many other things, I’m done with resolutions. This year I’m setting goals.

    1. I will finish editing my novel by January 15.
    2. I will have a finished cover design by January 31.
    3. I will complete a first draft of my next novel by April 1.
    4. Every Sunday by bedtime my inbox will be empty and the posts I intend to comment on will be commented on.
    5. I will make a quilt from that stack of bandannas by the time it’s cold enough to need it this fall.
    6. I will make and share one new goal every week this year.
    7. I will do one touristy thing this year that Ian has been asking about for forever.

    20130102-174904.jpg Like our trip to Avery Island last week. Tabasco ketchup is a-freaking-mazing!!

    Do you have any resolutions or goals you’d like to share?