The Mayo Event

Patty looked out the window to check if Herb had gotten home yet. Her lips pursed as she let the blinds snap back into place. He wasn’t home. She turned to flop on the chair, disappointed. He had to make it home on time, today of all days.

Her coupon for free admission to the mayonnaise wrestling contest expired in just a few short hours.

Patty had never been to a mayonnaise wrestling contest. She was reasonably certain that Herb hadn’t, either, although the possibility remained viable, however slight. She vaguely remembered some kind of pajama party back in college, where they had taken turns jumping into a kiddie pool of maple syrup, but that definitely wasn’t the same thing.

The crunch of tires on concrete: Patty jumped up and ran back to the window, nearly breaking the slat she was pulling down in her urgency to verify that Herb had finally made it home. It was him!

She whipped around the corner to jerk open the front door, but Herb hadn’t even gotten out of the car yet.

“Have you forgotten our plans?” Patty asked, incredulously. “Get changed and let’s go, Herb!”

Herb was mildly perturbed at her anxiety. “I can’t go, babe. Duty calls. I just came home for the files I brought last week.”

Patty was livid. “How could you do this to me? You know what I went through to get these mayo coupons! I–I just–” She broke down crying.

Herb rushed to his wife’s side and wrapped and arm around her shoulders to comfort her. He pushed the lock of hair away from her eyes where it had fallen, then tipped her chin up so he could look into her eyes.

“Screw the work. We have an event to attend,” he whispered softly.

The smile immediately emerged on Patty’s face. “Oh, Herbie! Thank you!”

He kissed her passionately, leaving her breathless as he released her to rush into the house to change clothes and throw his briefcase on the living room floor. Patty was still smiling vacantly when he returned to the front door, her purse in his left hand.

Herb escorted her to the Volvo with his arm around her waist and opened the passenger door for her. When she was settled in, he closed it and raced around to the driver’s side, hopped in, and took off.

When they arrived at the Convention Center, the parking lot was nearly full. Fortunately, someone was inexplicably leaving a prime spot on the first row that wasn’t handicap accessible. Herb whipped in, glancing over at Patty. She was ecstatic, coupons clenched in her fist.

Herb reversed the process he’d performed when they’d left the house, and the happy couple jogged to the ticket window hand in hand. The ticket taker, in a red polyester vest with false pockets, took their coupons and stamped their hands, then waved them both through the double doors to the right.

The smell that slapped them in the face when they stepped inside was horrendous. Patty cupped her hand to her face in an attempt to filter some of the stench, but it was in vain. Herb looked around for the restroom, thinking that he could grab some paper towels for them to breathe through. He left Patty outside the men’s room, but to his dismay, both dispensers were empty. He shook his head to poor Patty as he came back out.

But the longer they lingered, the more adjusted they became, so by this time, the odor didn’t seem nearly as bad as it had when they had first smelled it. After a quick, whispered conference, they agreed to grin and bear it.

Herb led the way through the throngs of people to the large above ground pool that seemed to be center stage for tonight’s entertainment. He and Patty climbed to the fourth tier of the hastily assembled stadium seating and got their first glimpse of mayonnaise wrestling; although, perhaps, it should be said that they got their first taste.

They turned to sit just as the larger wrestler bodily threw the smaller to the floor, splashing a great tidal wave of week-old, stinking mayonnaise over the spectators. Herb and Patty were taken aback, but the remainder of the audience cheered with great gusto.

Patty turned to look at Herb, but couldn’t contain her laughter when she saw the volume of mayo dripping from his face and body. Herb opened his mouth to protest, but couldn’t hold back his own laughing fit at the sight of Patty. He threw an arm around her, and they joined their fellow fans in an exuberant display of joy.

Patty would later describe it as the best night of her life.

Fabulous Cheryl unwittingly inspired this story, with her Accent Tag video! Thanks, Cheryl–I wrote down the words and looked down to see the last five, and well, this is what came of it.

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7 Comments on “The Mayo Event”

  1. KarmenF says:

    I’m not sure I have ever been laughing so hard while simultaneously being absolutely disgusted! I’m one of those that can’t stand the thought of mayo out of the fridge for two hours… But dear God, this is funny!

  2. lizzieroth says:

    I had no idea where this was going, but it was hysterical. Also, were you thinking of Patty Mayonnaise, the cartoon character from “Doug,” when writing this?

    Great story!

  3. abbiosbiston says:

    Is mayonnaise wrestling a thing? What a fun post!


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