Windows 8 Stream of Consciousness

Okay. So new notebook.

With Windows 8.

Have you seen this monstrosity? It may or may not be news to you that I do not like change.

I do not like change.

Like, seriously, what was wrong with Windows 95? Honest question, I swear.

Let me tell you what I am doing.

I am reading the help files I’m so lost.

Me! I’m worse than your stereotypical man asking for directions. I don’t do it! I don’t! And I don’t do tutorials! I don’t do help files!

Okay. Argh, why does it keep switching between programs? Apps! They’re called apps now.

First things first (I Poppa freaks all the honeys) let’s get rid of all the dumb shit from the start screen. Like Internet Derpsplorer. Money, Stocks, Sports, News. What’s this blank red square? Great, now I keep switching between apps again. Why are you doing this?

Oh, Lappy, I miss your bigass keyboard. I keep hitting delete when I want to page down.

Bill Gates you copycat. You made this start screen just like my poor little iPhone. Only you want me to call them groups instead of folders.

Let’s make some folders, I mean groups.

What is this crap?

Ugh. Why did you even keep the desktop if you want me to use the start screen so bad?

Why do I need MSN weather and The Weather Channel?

Thanks Obama.

Are you serious? It is not easy to swipe down while clicking. Stupid right handed engineers.

Seriously, click at the top and then swipe down while holding to close? How coordinated do you think I am?

Photos. I don’t need photos. Or HP Photos. I have Shoebox. Let’s go get Shoebox. Of course it’s not in the App Store! Am I even allowed to call it the App Store? I don’t know what it’s called. Let’s go find Shoebox.

Okay. Downloading.

More help, please.

Oh. Oh! So that’s why you kept switching between apps. Because I’m left freaking handed. Okay. I got this.

Omg I’m learning to use a touchpad; it’s like I’m a baby learning how to use a spoon!

Okay. Don’t go too far to the sides or I’ll switch. I’ve got you now.

Let’s move more stuff.

Oh, Shoebox is downloaded. Let’s install. Let’s put our newfound skills to use and pin  (ugh, Pinterest, what have you done to the world!) Shoebox to the start screen. Why do you have to go all the way at that end? I haven’t made it to that end yet!

Okay. Click and drag. Shit. Shoebox, where did you go? There you are. Stop it, you don’t want to hang out in that HP apps folder. Group. Whatever.

Fine. Do what you want. Let’s get rid of these HP apps anyway.

No, let’s go to the App page whatever it’s called and see what else we want to add. Ooh, look at all the LibreOffice files. Apps. Shit.

Why do I need Xbox 360 SmartGlass?

Let’s go delete stuff.


If I don’t know what you are you don’t need to be on the start screen.

What’s mysms? Don’t need it.

Ooh, Netflix. I don’t really need Netflix on the start screen. We have that nifty cord to plug our iPhones into the TV.

I’ve never had a TV smaller than this purse-sized cutie.

Let’s pin Firefox. Ugh, it’s at the stupid HP end again.

Okay. Let’s resize because this folder is looking ugly. Group. I know it’s just stuff I don’t know if I’m going to use yet, but it still needs to be esthetically pleasing.

Crap, I opened Calendar.

Swipe from the left. Swipe from the left. I still have that open? But I understand that part now!

Take that!

I am definitely going to wear .the picture off this start key.

What about Pandora? Ugh, nevermind. I didn’t know I needed a client for it. I can’t deal with the pressure of selecting a client on top of organizing a start screen. Sorry, Pandora, we’ll have to do this another time.

Don’t care about Health. Don’t care about whatever this is. Food’s cool. You can stay. I’m feeling generous.


Two groups. One of useful and/or cute stuff and one of might-possibly-be-useful-when-I-have-a-look-but-probably-will-remain-unused-for-a-year-until-I-unpin-it stuff.

NOW. What do you mean, devices?

I’m so done.

Peace out, yo.


3 Comments on “Windows 8 Stream of Consciousness”

  1. KarmenF says:

    I think you may be better off to just get your free Windows 10 upgrade now, rather than wait. No reason to even bother trying to understand Windows 8… Windows 10 can NOT suck as bad…

  2. KarmenF says:

    Haha, you are probably right. Go for it!

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