Four Candles

Six hundred forty-five posts later, here we are.

IMG_6408Only 645? I better step up my game. Just last year I was at 500. I did take a lot of time off, though.

But the evolution.

Mel included me in the Roundup today, and her blurb had me thinking: am I still an IF blogger?

Am I? I deleted my timeline. It seemed completely irrelevant to where I am now.

Is it enough to disqualify me that I feel the need to define IF as infertility? I don’t know the last time I blogged about infertility. Let’s see, two months ago. And that was really more of a side note, not the main point. Three last year, the whole year. It’s been almost exactly two years since I’ve written about the feeling of being in the trenches. And that was just an expansion on a post from three years ago.

It wasn’t precisely a decision to give up, more like the teenage realization of when did I stop believing that I would be a paleontologist when I grow up? No date to pin down, no solid feeling of well, that’s that.

Was I just an old infertility soldier, fading away?

Maybe.

Looking back, that’s what happened; the infertility posts faded until they could be fully eclipsed and replaced by the personal essays and fiction, by the responses and imagination that spent so much time waiting for their moment in the sun.

But it doesn’t take writing to make an infertility blogger any more than it takes trying to conceive to make an infertile. It’s a scar that’s never going away, and it does leave its mark on everything that I write.

I’ll never delete all the posts in my Infertility category, any more than I’d delete all the posts in any category. It’s funny, we just watched Misery a few days ago, the first time for Ian, and I hurt so badly watching Paul have to burn his book. I don’t think non-writers would ever be able to fully empathize with that scene. While much of it does stick in your head, it can’t all stick. Rewrite all you want; try, try, again, but it’ll never be the same.

I can’t just throw it away, because it was a huge part of me. Is. It is a huge part of my life, and an introduction to so much that I treasure now. Would I have become the writer that I am today without it? Would I have met the wonderful people and had the wonderful experiences that I have without it? I have to say no.

There may have been other writing, other people, other experiences, but they wouldn’t have been the ones that I know and love right now. How on earth would I be texting a fellow IF blogger as I write this if I weren’t an IF blogger myself?

I trace cause and effect like it’s going out of style; maybe I would have found the Listserve without other bloggers leading me to Mel and Mel leading me to Justine and Justine leading me to the Listserve. Maybe I wouldn’t have. Maybe I wouldn’t have won the Listserve this week. That, by the way, has not been the big shebang that I expected, but I’ve been having problems with my emails being held up somewhere before I get them, so fingers crossed that’s that.

Yes, I think I still kind of count as an infertility blogger, but do I really deserve that badge anymore? It’s not a badge of honor you’d catch anyone fighting over, but still. It feels greedy. But not claiming it certainly feels like a lie.

Okay, Mel. You win this round. I’m an IF blogger. Got my four year pin today. Bring on the cake.

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4 Comments on “Four Candles”

  1. susieshy45 says:

    I agree ! You need to keep these posts to see how you have grown, what changes have come in your life and perhaps even to show others your courage and strength.
    Thank you for sharing your journey with me !

  2. abbiosbiston says:

    My blog has had so many evolutions in its time. It was never started to be a movie blog and I still don’t really think it is. The whole thing is just a life chronicle and I am cool with that. I think we’re all just bloggers… and that’s cool no matter what the topics are, were and will be.


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