FrozenPosted: December 9, 2013
I haven’t been doing well. Shit happens, right?
I was lying in bed, considering sleep, knowing that things can’t change themselves. I have to do something, right? So I got up to write.
When I went to pick up my papers tonight, I created a new Pandora station. I wanted something from high school, so I typed in ‘Type O Negative.’ It turned out well, giving me Type O, Tool, Pantera, classic Metallica, and Alice in Chains. On my way, I saw a billboard for an upcoming concert at one of the casinos–Keith Sweat and SWV. I was pretty amused that as I listened to one of the soundtracks from my 90s, there was a show that summed up another part of my 90s.
I thought about my best friend from when I was 16. We lost touch, but I saw her again, intermittently, after I moved back here when I was 21. The last time I saw her was probably 2004, eight years after high school. She had a son, and a job, and a garage apartment, but she was exactly the same person. The same priorities. The same personality. The same first world problems.
I remember how amazed I was that someone could stay so much the same, while everyone else had changed so much.
But now I understand.
When I started this blog, it wasn’t just an infertility blog anymore. Not that I confined myself to infertility before, but it just faded into the background here, as my optimism lessened. But it’s been a journey, with a lot of change along the way. Change everywhere else but here.
All but a few of my first IF blogging buddies have brought their babies home. Some more than one, now. Many of them are no longer actively blogging. When we decided to stop trying and focus solely on adoption, I started seeking out more adoption bloggers. Now, all but a few of those have brought their babies home. Even the few infidelity bloggers I followed (is that anything more than a transient niche anyway?) have seemed to resolve their situations and move on.
I am in stasis. I am frozen.
I have abandoned so much in the past few months. It just feels pointless sometimes.
Even my family is growing and changing. Without me. This year will be our first Christmas with Abby. Our first Christmas that isn’t just me and Ian. Our first Christmas as three. And I had absolutely nothing to do with that. I didn’t have to grow, or change, or do anything. All I did was stay the same, was let it all wash over me.
When I realized I needed to go back to work, I couldn’t even try something new. I went back to the same position, with the same boss, with the same company that I left in 2010.
I’m too afraid to do anything but let life happen to me. I don’t know how to make changes. I don’t know how to be happy. I feel like the only thing I ever knew how to do was write, and I stopped doing that. And I feel like that leaves me with nothing.
I used to have dreams. I used to make plans. I used to at least start to work on my problems. Okay, maybe not work on them, but I would research and take notes and write and write and write.
I have always faltered at that question, “where do you see yourself in five/ten years?” I’ve never been able to reach that far into the future and be able to take something from it. I’ve never been able to hold anything up and say “this is what I want” aside from a family to take care of. And then, well, shit happens.
I don’t understand how I can have such a sense of urgency without something specific to be urgent about.
I don’t know. Maybe I took a step tonight in writing this. Maybe I took another step in clicking on my Happy Things. I guess hope is what keeps me going, even when I’m feeling the most hopeless.
I think I need an adventure.