R is for RedoPosted: April 20, 2013
There’s a question I have to answer by Monday, when we turn our foster/adopt application in. I can’t come up with an answer besides nothing.
If I could change something about my childhood, what would it be?
I can’t come up with anything, because I have worked so hard on acceptance.
Ian suggested that it be my dad not moving to Colorado, so that I still would have been able to see my friend there every summer.
I never would have thought of that. I never would have imagined changing someone else’s choice that affected my life.
Even though I’m only hypothetically making a change, I only consider my own choices, my own changes, my own life, nothing that would alter someone else’s life. I don’t know how they would feel about it. I’m afraid of hurting someone else and causing them to want to hurt me in return.
But I don’t want to think about changing any part of my life, either. I’ve spent far too much time contemplating the cascading avalanche of cause and effect. My life now may not perfect, but it’s what I know. It’s who I am.
And I can’t think about the what ifs, the what might have beens. I can’t go down that road because I know nothing good waits for me at the end.
I don’t want to make any changes. I don’t know what result that change might lead to. I worked hard to deal with the results that I live with, and I’m not going to risk wasting all that time and effort.
I’m satisfied with the choices I’ve made.
I wouldn’t change a thing.