Underestimation

I didn’t put quite enough emphasis on the fact that Lexapro sucks for me.

Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.

It isn’t just the sleep. Now it’s the depression too. Or rather, the realization of depression.

I have had a really bad evening. I know I’ve been a lot more irritable lately. Tonight I realized that I feel the same that I did a year and eight months ago.

It doesn’t matter how much or how well I parent, I will never, ever be Abby’s mother.

I hate that Ian took that away from me. I hate that that he had my child with someone else because one night he got pissed.

I hate that tonight I cried and cried and Abby told me that she’ll take care of me and that she’s sorry. I told her and told her that it’s not her fault, that she didn’t make me cry. I hope she understands.


7 Comments on “Underestimation”

  1. Rain says:

    I’ve never been on Lexapro, so I don’t exactly know what you’re going through. But, I have been on other anti-anxiety meds, and they did mess with me. I’m sorry this is what’s happening to you. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

  2. jjiraffe says:

    Many,any hugs.

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

  3. Kate says:

    I am so so so sorry, friend. I hate how unfair life is. I am praying you find joy and peace, in the midst of so much heartache.

  4. Nisha T. says:

    Sending you lots of hugs. ❤

  5. tigger62077 says:

    You may not be her biological mother, but you ARE her mother. You do more for that child than her biological mother does. I feel fairly confident in saying that you probably love Abby more than her biological mother does too. Just because she donated the eggs doesn’t make her Abby’s mother. There is the saying that “donating sperm does not make you a daddy”, and I feel that it goes both ways. Parenting is in the actions, not the biology, imo, and you, my dear April, are her mother, hands down. 🙂

  6. Speaking as a child of divorce, it is possibly to have two moms and two dads. Not that Lea is much of a mother, but Abby can love you like a mom and still love her biomom. My stepdad is one of the most important people in my life (and I actually have a dad I adore) even if he didn’t donate the sperm (and he actually wasn’t part of my life until I was a teenager).

  7. Hugs to you — I think you have handled his cheating so unbelievably well and with such an open mind and heart — they are all lucky to have you, even Leah! Abby is and will always be your step-daughter and your actions and love toward her epitomize truly unconditional love. You may not be done your parenting journey — stay strong.


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