Time Warp Tuesday: ChangePosted: January 8, 2013
It’s Time Warp Tuesday again, and this month the theme is ‘change.’
Time Warp Tuesday is hosted on the second Tuesday of the month by Kathy at Bereaved and Blessed, and the idea is to peruse your archives and select a post related to the topic to review and reflect on.
So many changes since that post, fourteen months ago; and yet, so much remains the same.
It is still hard to be where I wanted so badly to be, at times, but I’ve found so much more of myself along the way to where I am now.
I’ve written a novel; I’ve made actual goals and intend to achieve them; I’ve found new purpose and joy in every day.
I don’t wonder any more about failings in myself. Sometimes shit happens, and it’s not my fault. I’ve been able to say that for a long time, but only recently have I been able to believe it, to say it with conviction. It’s not my fault.
I’m not a bad person, and it’s much easier for me to cut myself breaks than it used to be. I can accept that I’m not perfect, I’m not going to be perfect, and it’s okay for me to admit that. It’s okay to ask for help when I need it, and it’s okay to accept help when it’s offered. That doesn’t make me less of a person, less deserving of anything. It means that I’m not trying to set myself up for failure and disappointment.
I know I can’t fix everything. I know some things can’t be fixed. But I also know that all things can be lived with.
And even though I’d forgotten this post, forgotten my vow to reclaim myself, I feel that I have done so. I am more fun, a million times more confident, and slightly more adventurous than I was a year ago. I have come far enough around the circle to be able to see the April-that-was not far ahead of me, and I know that I’ll be there again soon.