A few weeks ago, Ian asked me what was wrong, so I told him. That I felt like I was disappointing him by not getting pregnant when I know how badly he wants to have a baby with me. That it didn’t help when he told me I would never disappoint him. That I would like to talk more later.

Later I asked Ian what he wanted to do. I thought I already knew he wanted to keep trying, and I already knew he’d say it was okay if I wanted to stop. And that was just what he said. But I couldn’t make that decision. I couldn’t say no, I won’t help you make this dream come true. As much as I may want to stop trying after six and a half years, I never thought I could be the one to say enough.

I didn’t know he’d been window shopping for babies online. I didn’t know he’d been looking at agency websites and foster children. I didn’t know that it’s legal in Louisiana to advertise your unborn child however you like, to offer them on Craigslist like a used appliance.

I have known I am ready to pursue adoption, but it took me a lot longer to believe that Ian is.

I have tried to put myself in his shoes. If I had a biological child with someone else, but Ian had fertility problems, I would want to keep trying and keep trying. I would feel that I needed to do everything I could to share the same experience with Ian that I did with a virtual stranger in comparison.

I know it’s not like that. I know there was no shared experience beyond a one night stand and a couple of OB appointments. I know Leah told him early on that Abby probably wasn’t his, that he wasn’t there when she was born, that he didn’t meet her until she was nine months old. I know these things.

But I also know that I would want to keep trying to make up for it. Indefinitely. I don’t want to cause Ian more pain by stopping.

Of course there is that small part of me that wants to try forever, and that ever optimistic part that just knows we could be one of those stop-trying-and-get-pregnant happy endings. Truly, though, I’m ready to be done. I’m ready for our child who is only our child.

Sunday night I gathered my courage and told Ian. I want to stop trying. His reaction was relief, which only made my relief greater. I am so overwhelmingly glad to be done with this. Maybe things would have been different if I’d had any nice doctors outside of family practice. Maybe not.

Adoption feels right in a way that trying never has. It feels like this is the way it’s supposed to be, like the past eighty months have been spent fighting for something that wasn’t what I really wanted in the first place.

I’ve been trying to write this post, trying over and over, deleting, drafting, combining, copying, pasting, again and again, for weeks. Now it’s here, finally, and it’s still not right. I don’t know how to say what I want to say, other than saying that I was scared to be happy; now I’m happy.

26 Comments on “Happy”

  1. jjiraffe says:

    Oh, April! Wow!! This is big news!! I’m so thrilled for you and Ian. Yay πŸ™‚

  2. tigger62077 says:

    Yay! I’m glad you two are finally on the same page and not continuing to do a thing because you each think the other wants you to. πŸ™‚ This will take a big pressure off you. Adoption and foster care aren’t easy by any stretch, but it’s a different pressure than trying to conceive on your own. I am so stoked for you as you move on to a different leg of the journey!!

  3. Congratulations! That is so awesome and exciting πŸ™‚

  4. gwen says:

    So happy for you both that you can go down that path knowing both of you really want this. Wonderful news! πŸ™‚

  5. traathy says:

    I remember this moment very well πŸ™‚

    Very happy for you two and hope the journey is a smooth one. It is full of challenges but you’ll get through it. Feel free to email if you have any questions. I know the States is different from Canada but the mental part is the same!

  6. I was so happy to read this and I am finally commenting. You already know how happy I am for you that this decision has brought you peace. Hearing you are happy and are enjoying everything now and looking forward to your next steps makes me so happy! Love you Hon!

  7. Caroline says:

    Hi from ICLW!! Thanks for stopping by! Sounds like you have an exciting journey ahead! Looking forward to reading more of your posts!

  8. marwil says:

    This is a very powerful read. Congrats on being on the same page and move forward from here. A new beginning I’d say πŸ™‚
    I never thought I would be the one who says enough is enough either. But it might come to that should the next treatment not work.

  9. Congratulations April! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband on this journey. Thanks for stopping by my neck of the woods and I look forward to keeping up with you.

  10. Hello from ICLW. I’m so glad to read that you have recognized this newfound happiness, and I hope that feeling stays with you as you move forward.

  11. Stupid Stork says:

    Ok! Now I can contribute..

    That has to be such a relief to finally make a decision, relieve yourself of a little bit of the stress and get excited about the new road.

    And on a personal note, as an adoptee, I think you’re a badass angel. πŸ˜‰

  12. I just love where you ended up in this post πŸ™‚

  13. […] This is the post I chose. […]

  14. Kathy says:

    Here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday and glad I got the chance to read and comment on this post, which I missed the first time around. I appreciate how difficult it is to change course like this, but also how healthy and peaceful it feels to move forward in the same direction with your spouse, after a long journey trying to build your family. Heading back to the future to see your thoughts on this post and where you are now, almost a year after you wrote it.

  15. Kathy says:

    Revisiting this post again from the future via Time Warp Tuesday. I don’t have anything new to add, from my previous comment, but wanted you to know that I did re-read this.

  16. […] I’ve written about the feeling of being in the trenches. And that was just an expansion on a post from three years […]

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