Satisfaction

Bob Marley asked: “Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?” How would you answer him?

I copy/pasta’d the quote last night, and at that time I had a firm, ready answer: yes. I was satisfied. Not necessarily happy, certainly not ecstatic, but the life I’m living was something I could definitely handle. It was satisfactory. Not filet mignon, but a bologna sandwich.

I try. I do. I don’t know who I’m trying to convince that I’m trying, but I try. I welcome a logical, ordered progression of choices and events. As long as it makes sense somewhere, it makes sense. It fits the part of me that needs a perfect domino effect.

I chose to stay married after Ian cheated on me. Ian chose to stay married after he cheated on me. We are a team; when one of us has a problem, it’s our problem. Except for one.

I’m not done being angry. Or hurt, or betrayed, or sad, or jealous, or neglected, or ineffectual, or any number of other feelings that all stem from that one illogical, unordered, nonsensical choice. I won’t let this be our problem. It’s mine, and I can’t let my death grip on it loosen.

It’s the same bullshit brainwashing of ‘you can do anything.’ Oh, it takes two to five years to recover from an affair? I can work harder at it than anyone, I’ll blow that number out of the water. But I can’t. I can’t do that when I have to keep starting over. Sometimes I feel like I can’t make any progress, in spite of knowing that’s not true.

Today the lawyer emailed us a copy of the ruling for approval before she submitted it to the judge. I asked Ian about one paragraph, and that opened the floodgates. One thing led to another, and finally I screamed that I was upset about having to read a document that wouldn’t exist if my husband hadn’t cheated on me.

I screamed at him to leave me alone, and I’ve been lying in bed in the dark ever since.

I signed up for NaBloPoMo to get me through September. I don’t know if it’s helping. I don’t know if I would feel better or worse if I didn’t have ‘homework’ to focus on every day, to break up the daily grind of time marching on.

I want to quit everything. Take me off the NaBloPoMo list, cancel my doctor appointment tomorrow, cancel the marriage counselor appointment tomorrow, tell my boss to fuck off, and just run away alone and empty handed.

No, Bob Marley, I’m not satisfied. Not today.

What can I do? What can I change? I can define problems and find answers, so I don’t have to keep asking the same questions that hurt me so much. I can look for a way to accept that some questions will never have answers and that some feelings will never entirely disappear. I can take the time for myself that I need, instead of feeling guilty about it.

But those rare days, like today, when it seems like everything has been for nothing, are dark, scary pits. If I fall in again, I feel like I’ll be screaming forever.


3 Comments on “Satisfaction”

  1. tigger62077 says:

    *hands you a rope and a never-ending torch* Sometimes all you can do is acknowledge that it’s not perfect, that it’s not even good, that it’s scary. Sometimes it helps to say “yup, there’s the pit. Here we go!” Sometimes it helps to just yell, or to put out a call for help, or to lock yourself away for a little while. And sometimes? Sometimes nothing helps and you just have to wait it out, because it WILL end. What doesn’t help is giving up and canceling everything. You NEED to keep making yourself put one foot in front of the other, even if you’re dragging yourself screaming through every single minute of every day until you can see the light again.

    Everything has not been for nothing. You have a sweet little girl in your life who needs you as her mother. You have a husband who loves you, even if he might hate you a little at the moment for yelling at him. Not saying you’re wrong or that he does, just that it’s a possibility…and he still loves you anyways. 🙂 You have us. You will come out of this.

  2. Hang in there! I don’t even really know you but i think you are pretty damn amazing for all you are doing and with the HUMONGOUS amount of grace you are doing it with. Some days all you have to do is show up and do the next right thing.

  3. jjiraffe says:

    “Some days all you have to do is show up and do the next right thing.” Oh, I love this a lot. (((Hugs)))


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