I wrote Tuesday about how I came to blog here, and I mentioned that the straw that broke the camel’s back was my statement that I wasn’t willing to consider IVF. I received a lot of criticism from women who thought I was crazy for preferring to pursue adoption without IVF, if it came to that.

It’s so much easier now for me to say that it doesn’t matter what anyone outside this family thinks our next step should be, only we know what’s right for us. Even anonymously, I was afraid to stand up to strangers on the Internet. Before, I needed to stand up to them, because I was grasping at anything I could to stay afloat, but I couldn’t. Now, I can stand up to them, but I don’t need to anymore.

I have a lot more faith in myself and my decision making capabilities. If someone disagrees with me, I can actually shrug and let it go. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, wondering if they’re right and I’m wrong, wondering what I should do, wondering why it bothers me so much. I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter. If you’re not here to give me support when I need it, I don’t need you.

This is not to say I won’t ask for input or reassurance. I asked for reassurance yesterday. I am a reassurance junkie. Just ask my husband. The poor guy has to tell me things are okay until it’s amazing the words mean anything anymore. But that does lead me to wonder something.

Because I’ve changed my mind. I am willing to give IVF a shot if it comes down to that. Even though serious consideration drives a spike of fear through my heart, even though I nearly had a panic attack when we were going to check out a clinic last week (we didn’t stop).

It isn’t IVF that I’m afraid of, it’s that nothing else will work before we get there. It’s that I could be wasting all this time trying different meds. I feel like I’m down to the wire, but I’m still shuffling my feet. Can we really afford the luxury of dawdling?

I hate that it took so long to see an RE. I hate that I can’t see one now, unless I want to wait until October. I hate feeling so wishy-washy. We can plan and plan and plan, but something has always come up.

But I digress. What I have wondered is, why the change of heart? Is it because I truly searched my soul for my answer, or is it because I know this is what my husband wants so badly?

And no one can reassure me on this, because no one else knows my mind. If I can’t answer, no one can. But I think the answer is yes, to both. Yes, this is what I want to do, and yes, I want it more because he does. Because we’re a team, and that’s what teamwork is.

And yes, if I need to dawdle, I can stick my hands in my pockets and kick the dirt around for a bit. Can’t I? Please reassure me.

8 Comments on “Reassurances”

  1. Tigger says:

    You most certainly can dawdle. Doing things before you’re truly ready is no good. It can cause you to subconsciously “forget” a shot or 6, be late for things, any number of small things that can add up. They SAY that stress leads to infertility, which really isn’t true in the big sense that they mean, but infertility and treatments are hellaciously stressful on us as it is – if you can avoid a little by not forcing yourself into treatments, I’m all for it!

    • aprilvak says:

      The biggest problem isn’t even the need for treatment, or the stress of treatment or infertility, it’s the challenge I’ve had to even get treatment, period. It just makes me want to scream sometimes.

  2. Belle says:

    IVF is tough emotionally, physically and mentally. You need to take all the dawdle you need so you feel truly ready for it. Until infertility I was STAUNCHLY against medications and the prescription drug industry. Had my 28-year-old self seen me today, injecting all kinds of crazy stuff without reading the side effects, she would have died. However, I knew I was ready to do it when the side effects no longer mattered. I knew it was time when my nightmares about the blood draws, injections, surgeries, etc. were replaced with these intense dreams of having a child. All this to say: take your time and dawdle. You will be absolutely certain when it is time to start down this path. (But I sincerely hope that you will succeed before you even have to prime a pen of Gonal-F!)

    • aprilvak says:

      Belle, that’s just it. The reasoning I had before doesn’t make the same sense to me anymore. And your story in particular has made me more and more comfortable with the change.

  3. Nothing wrong with a little dawdling. I don’t really have any thoughts on IVF since that is such a personal decision, but I agree that you shouldn’t do it until you are sure you are ready because it is such a huge commitment.

  4. Dawdling is sometimes a good thing. I didn’t dawdle before going to IUI, but I am glad it was delayed so I could truly be ready. I wasn’t yet done with mourning not being able to conceive naturally. You gotta take care of you and your emotions first.

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