Where Do I Fit In?

There’s a thought that everyone has had at some point, or many different points, or constantly, at all points.

Where do I fit in?

Maybe you were an only child, but all your childhood friends had siblings.

Maybe your high school didn’t offer electives that were your cup of tea.

Maybe you chose an unpopular major in college.

Maybe you were overqualified for your job.

Maybe everyone around you was having babies, and you weren’t.

Maybe everyone around you wasn’t having babies, and you were.

I don’t know where I fit in.

Jjiraffe posted a few weeks ago about expiration dates on infertility blogs, which led Elphaba to wonder what’s in an infertility blog, and to discuss a parenting after infertility and loss network.

For, well, years, actually, I’ve been asking that question. It’s mostly been just the small kernel of doubt and fear at the back of my mind, but since jjiraffe’s post, it started growing and demanding more and more of my attention. With Elphaba’s posts, it’s become this gnawing beast that won’t leave me alone.

Where do I fit in?

I asked myself so many times when I first started this blog, because I’ve never been pregnant, I’ve never started the adoption process, but somehow, here I am parenting. Is it fair that I’m trying so hard when we already have a child? No, she isn’t mine biologically or even legally, but she’s mine. Does that make any sense?

Everyone goes through their own struggles and deals with them in their own way, but I haven’t found someone who has gone through my struggles, no matter how they’re dealing with them.

I do feel better writing about how I feel and sharing it with you, but amidst all the ‘that sucks’ and ‘I’m sorry’ it would be nice to find a ‘me too.’

I never considered starting a ‘marriage after infidelity’ blog, because there’s no way I would have been able to connect with anyone else the way I have with infertility bloggers. Reading those stories would only have made me feel worse, but reading these stories, even the ones without happy endings, makes me feel like I do fit in somewhere, even if I still ask myself if that’s really true.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop asking, but for now, I have to keep whittling, and maybe one day I can make my square peg fit a round hole.

10 Comments on “Where Do I Fit In?”

  1. jjiraffe says:

    I totally get what you are saying: you are parenting and dealing with infertility and TTC. Your situation may be different than mine, but I like following your story and relate to it. You’re also a really good writer 🙂

  2. Tigger says:

    I think we all try too hard to make ourselves fit into a spot that we forget who we are. We are all square pegs in round holes – some are just a little rounder, or found a slightly squarer hole, I think.

    Like jj, I like following your story. It is not my life, but I can relate somehow, on different levels. And I find that to be very important. Reading someone who has a life similar to mine is nice in that I don’t feel alone, but I also don’t want to feel like “everyone” is me!

    • aprilvak says:

      Tigger, that’s so much more concise than what I was trying to say.

      And you’re right. I do hear and say ‘me too.’ It’s the relating that’s important, not finding a clone.

      Thank you!

  3. Elphaba says:

    I think you can fit in wherever you like and you’re more than welcome to join the blogroll whenever you feel ready. I’m happy to create a new category for you if you want, even if you’re just in ‘other’ and your description tells people what to expect. Just let me know!

  4. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to not fit in a hole. I wouldn’t want to read a generic blog that fits in to some mold (have you read a generic healthy living blog? They are so boring!). Anyways, I love your blog because you are interesting.

    Also, thanks for posting that link to PAIL! I did not know about it, but I’m loving the blogs I’m finding on there. And I totally think you belong on there just as much as the rest of us, for what it’s worth.

  5. I think you fit perfectly right here. Your square peg in our hearts.
    wow was that cheesy, but that’s just who I am right now!

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