Questions

I hate them.

All the nagging little ‘are you sures’ and ‘whys’ and ‘what ifs.’ The tiny doubts that always manage to find a way in. The second-guessing that only serves to make me crazier. The fears.

And the shame.

When something bad happens, we all ask ourselves the same question at one point.

What did I do to deserve this?

If you ask that question enough, you’re bound to come up with answers. Maybe it’s something silly or trivial, maybe it’s something serious. Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. The more you ask, the more answers you can think up.

I thought I’d finished asking that. I thought I’d come to terms with what has gone wrong in my life. I thought I understood that it’s not my fault.

I didn’t force someone to do something if I didn’t know about it. I didn’t do something stupid to cause my ovaries to be cyst factories. I can tell myself that, but it doesn’t mean I always believe it.

So many questions. What if I’m not strong enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough? What if I’m not good enough? And then the question I despise myself for asking: what if I’m not the one who isn’t good enough?

But what makes that question so much worse than the others? Why can I put myself down all I want, but if I dare to question someone else’s suitability, I’m a terrible person?

Because I’m stuck with me, no matter what. I’ll always be here. I can’t escape myself. Because if it isn’t me, that means I made crappy decisions.

If I’d just stop beating around the bush and spit it out, I’d admit that there’s really only one question, did I make the right choice? And then I’d have to admit that there comes a point when it doesn’t matter anymore.

I have to stand behind my decisions, because a valid reason is a valid reason. Because the same things make sense to me now that made sense to me five years ago, or ten years ago. More things make sense, not fewer.

Maybe I can start asking myself not if I made the right choice, but if I made the right choice at the time. For the most part, I think I did.

I hope I can learn to have more faith in myself.



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