The Break is (Almost) Over

The new year is coming soon, and it’s also time for us to start a new chapter in our TTC story. It’s CD21 today, so the plan right now is basically just looking at the calendar to decide when we want to throw some more money at this whole infertility thing. Then I’ll start a round of provera so I can try letrozole next cycle.

It’s kind of funny, I plan and plot so much when and how and what the next step will be, but I never actually think about what would happen if something worked. Surely, if I had no faith at all that something would work, I wouldn’t put myself through this. Surely, if I had no hope at all, I would stop trying. Right?

Surely.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I know this is easy to say now, but if we were childfree, I would be okay with being childfree. But we’re not. And being a part-time mom just makes me want even more to be a full-time mom. I don’t want to share. I feel like that sounds horribly selfish, but I don’t care.

I really do not understand at all how my mother could send my sister and I across the country every year for the whole summer. Especially after that summer she came to pick us up and our toothbrushes were still packed. My dad was not a big hygiene enforcer. Heck, he didn’t even tell us to bathe, hopefully just because we swam so much.

I’m way off subject.

Anyway…I have an OB/GYN who will prescribe me letrozole, and then tamoxifen if that doesn’t work. Maybe I’ll go back to the women’s clinic when (if) they replace the RE who abandoned me. Still debating on filing a complaint with the state Board of Review over that debacle. Either way, 2012 is covered.

And then I’ll be 35.

Maybe that’ll be the cutoff. Maybe we’ll see how this next year goes and decide from there. I’m so tired of the waiting.

Six years is a long time.


10 Comments on “The Break is (Almost) Over”

  1. I get where you’re coming from. You spend so long trying that you don’t expect anything to work. At least I don’t. so why then, do we keep trying? Habit? Refusal to give up? Refusal to “lose”? I really have no expectation of it ever working. So why keep going? Anyway, I don’t think it’s selfish to not want to share. I wouldn’t! I hope this will be the year. For something good.

  2. Chelle says:

    When I got married 23 years ago, my husband had a son from his first marriage. We had visitation every other weekend while he was little and I struggled for three years to get pregnant.

    Finally went the fertility specialist route, even though insurance wouldn’t pay and FINALLY got pregnant after three agonizing years of sharing. I have since had three boys who are now 20, 15, and 13. I never thought I would have ONE, let alone THREE!

    I think there is always hope and that is the reason we keep trying. If there wasn’t hope, wouldn’t the doctor tell us there is no hope? I didn’t ovulate and once they finally figured that out, plus the fact that my testosterone level was too high, my body finally started acting properly. Number three was not even planned, which was such a total shock.

    Don’t give up hope. And it’s not selfish to not want to share. I hated sharing. I hated that my husband had a child with someone else. I resented it for the entire 16 years we supported his son and I resent it now that his son will have nothing to do with him. It’s heartbreaking for both of us.

    • aprilvak says:

      Thank you so much for this comment, Chelle. That really is what it all boils down to, that I hate that he had a child with someone else so easily, and we who actually want her can’t keep her more than four days a week. And I’m not giving up hope just yet.

  3. jjiraffe says:

    Oh, man. It seems horribly unfair that you can’t see an RE. This is what steams me so much about infertility treatments: the inaccessibility of them for so many people.

    Your situation reminds me of Bodega Bliss’s, who also has a step-daughter and has gone through years of infertility. I’m not sure if you read her blog, but just wanted to put that out there.

    Thinking of you…

    • aprilvak says:

      Yes, it’s the inaccessibility that really drives the point home. I don’t get how I can live where I live and yet practically have to drive three hours to Dallas to get good care.

      I do check out her blog sometimes, but a lot of the time, when I hear about someone with infertility and stepchildren, it’s hard for me to relate to. It feels like such a world of difference between my situation and, well, ‘pre-existing’ children. Just another example of me feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere.

  4. Hugs. And I think the losing faith thing is really common. I was definitely there and refusing to take the next step (Clomid) because I just felt so sure that nothing was going to work. I’m still holding out hope for you on both situations!

  5. Heck no would I want to share either! Losing faith is very difficult. Keeping the faith for you!


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