So Many What Ifs

Have you ever noticed that when you feel like this is it, that you’ve reached the very bottom, the absolute worst that you can feel, that you prove yourself wrong pretty darn quick?

Maybe it’s just me.

I am so unhappy right now. No, ‘unhappy’ doesn’t begin to express what I’m feeling. I feel miserable, hopeless, lost, confused, abandoned, useless, worthless, stupid, ugly, broken, helpless, neglected, alone.

I don’t want to wake up in the morning anymore, because it’s just going to be another day of this life. And every day is a new low, instead of a fresh start.

Sometimes I hate myself for all the mistakes I’ve made or think I’ve made. Sometimes I hate myself for just one. I wonder why I ever came back. Between 19 and 21 I took so many road trips…to meet strangers I knew only from the Internet. I would just pack a bag with a change or two of clothes and my notebook, grab my atlas and leave.

I went to Virginia, Missouri, Iowa, Wisconsin, California, Alberta, and as far as Yellowknife once, for a month.

If I’d stayed any of those places, with any of those people, would I have ended up here, now?

Well, I might be dead. I walked three miles along I-10 an hour from El Paso with a machete in my pants at two in the morning because our car broke down (This was the one trip I didn’t make solo.). Who knows what could have happened instead of my first and only ride in an eighteen wheeler? I could have frozen to death sleeping in my car in North Dakota in the winter. If I hadn’t done that I could have fallen asleep behind the wheel. I could have been killed by the addict in St Louis who turned down the pb&j I offered him when he said he was hungry. I could have been standing in a different place when someone tried to shoot my drug dealer and took out my car window.

I have taken countless senseless risks in my life, and none of them ever caused me permanent damage.

But I finally decide to settle down and get married and raise a family and look where it gets me.

I try so hard to take care of everyone else because I’m so afraid that they’ll desert me that I don’t know how to take care of myself. I’m afraid to put my foot down and admit that I can’t handle any more.

I’m afraid that I want out, and I’m afraid that I don’t want out.

I’m afraid to keep slogging along because I know it will break me one day, and I’m afraid to stop because I might miss the one chance to turn everything around.

I have an appointment with a counselor Tuesday morning. I hope this one’s better than the last one, who actually told me to ‘snap out of it.’ That was two years ago, right after I found out about the other woman. Snap out of it? Really? Thanks, dude, you were a great help in dealing with my grief. Not.

I guess I’ll see how that goes and keep on trucking.

I do feel better now than when I started writing this. Thank you for reading it.

17 Comments on “So Many What Ifs”

  1. Emily says:

    Hugz! You need to take care of yourself first only then can you take care of everything else. I was also the person who took care of everyone else and was scared of losing people. When I hit bottom I had to make a change. My counselor helped and I finally put me first. I did things that made me happy and healthy. All those people I took care of I talked to and told them that I needed them now. For the first time I am being cared for. Hang in there. I hope this new person can help.

  2. jjiraffe says:

    I’m glad you are meeting with a new counselor on Tuesday, and hang in there. I’m sorry you’re feeling low. (((Hugs))) I’m glad to have discovered your blog and wanted to thank you for writing so honestly and powerfully.

  3. gwen says:

    Some counselors completely suck ass, it’s the truth. I hope this next one helps you.

    I know you feel like crap but the fact that you’re actually writing about it and getting some of it out has to be a good thing, right? Processing and all that. It’s better than keeping it all to yourself!

    Keep writing, the good and the bad, and just try to take it one day at a time. *squish*

    • aprilvak says:

      That’s just the kind of thing that worries me, though. If I weren’t writing, how bad would I feel? I know there’s no point in considering that, and I don’t know why I do.

  4. Belle says:

    April, I am proud of you for seeing another counselor. It can be incredibly hard to find one that “fits.” I have had my fair share of idiots, too! It sounds as though you had some incredible experiences and that you have lived hard and fast for a time. That, dear, is something to hold close to your heart. Most of us only dream of that free-spiritedness. Your new life will be that much richer because you know, you have traveled, you have tried other things. Find solace and sanctity in the past and draw upon it to remember why the present is so sweet. Much love. (I hope this sounds ok, know the words are ment with kindness.)

    • aprilvak says:

      Oh, Belle, I know your words are always meant with kindness. And I’m so glad of that. I always loved an adventure. Maybe I can try to view all of these challenges as just another kind of adventure, a way to explore myself.

  5. April, I’m glad that you’re back to blogging regularly – it can be cathartic and therapeutic. Also, I’m glad that you’re seeing a counselor.

    I have no other advice but I do appreciate you always coming to my blog and posting! Your thoughts always brighten my day.

    • aprilvak says:

      Thank you so much. My husband tells me that he’s proud of me for trying to be a good friend to everyone else, but it’s really good to hear that I can cheer someone else up.

  6. I really hope your new counselor is awesome. I’ve had a number in my lifetime and some rocked and then there were some major duds. Unfortunately, my first two counselors were g-d awful (one really should have her license revoked), so it turned me off to the whole psychotherapy thing for years. Turns out counseling is awesome when you find the right person!

    • aprilvak says:

      My husband actually hunted down my favorite counselor ever. Turns out she’s a school counselor in Arizona now. Too bad. But those are some lucky kids.

  7. Dude, wow, seriously you need to write a book.
    Also, be honest with your counsellor and tell him/her what you need.
    I’m glad you’re processing all of this though and thank you for sharing it….:)
    I love Belle’s comment she said way more eloquently what I’m trying to articulate.
    I also agree that you have to make yourself happy first. I’ll let you know once I start taking my own advice 😉

    • aprilvak says:

      That’s the whole problem, taking one’s own advice. It’s one thing to know the problem and the solution, and even offer said advice to someone else, but it’s so darn hard to do it yourself!!

  8. Kendra says:

    It is impossible to express how much IF damages a woman’s self-esteem. I am really struggling with self-esteem right now too and I totally understand all of the questioning. I too went to a counsellor who was useless to my abandonment issues, but I think there are some out there that can really be helpful. I have no idea what your religious affiliation is, but I will be praying for God to give you peace and clarity, because I think it is so difficult to gain perspective when you’re in the middle of such pain and depression. And I just want to remind you that some days are better than others and tomorrow may be a better day even though you’ve had so many bad ones in a row. God can make overnight changes!!!!

    Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. – Psalm 27:14

    You’ve shown how brave and strong you are by even writing this blog and sharing your story with others. And even though you may feel like you are not strong enough to take any more, know that you’ve already endured a lot more than many others and you can get through this too!!!!

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