Am I Hiding Behind Cuteness?

Am I? I started an infertility blog and when the going gets tough I resort to pictures of our cats. Of course there’s nothing exactly wrong with pictures of our cats. In fact, we probably tell Bruce close to daily how handsome he is, especially since his winter cost is coming in so nice and thick. Like he needs an ego boost. And Amarillo is called ‘pretty girl’ way more than by her actual name. Kitten, of course, tends to get the most lovin’ simply because she comes and gets it.

20111022-123311.jpgThey love boxes.

But I didn’t start this blog to talk about the cats that, for most of their lives, I could give or take. They’re suddenly more important to me, somehow. I’m sidetracking again.

I started this blog to collect all the word vomit I spit up about the crap in my life, mostly infertility. And, break or no break, the word vomit is still coming. It’s just backing up because I’m not letting it out.

I promised myself that I would never stop writing again.

I even made a kind of unacknowledged deal with myself that I would write something every single day. Tweets don’t count. Unless they’re really clever tweets. Maybe half a point for those.

Do comments count? I don’t know. I’ve kind of had a writer’s block for comments too, lately. Mostly because I care so much about you guys, and I don’t want to be like, ‘Yeah, that sucks. But listen to this!!’

I feel like every single minute of the day I’m completely overwhelmed by the number and craziness of problems I’m trying to cope with all at once.

I texted my sister last night with a request for some cheering up, and summed it up by telling her ‘It’s just too much for me. There’s too much bs in the world and too much bs in my world. I could deal with one or the other.’

I internalize way too much. I try to carry the weight of the world because I think somehow that makes the load lighter for the people I care about. But it doesn’t. They still have their problems, and then they have to see me struggle with more than my share.

It’s like this joke:
There was a guy drowing in the ocean. He prayed to God to save him.
A few minutes later a boat came and offered to pick him up and take him to shore. The drowning man refuesed and the boat left.
Another boat came and offered to save the man and he said no, and the boat left.
Finally a third boat came and said I can help you. Once again the drowing man said no.
When he died he said to God: I trusted you. Why didn’t you save me?
God said: I sent you three boats!

I’ve got to stop refusing those boats. But you all just look so happy rowing along (yes, you’re all in rowboats. No one can sail.), offering me a hand up. I don’t want to be the party pooper.

I should probably work on that whole self esteem thing too.

14 Comments on “Am I Hiding Behind Cuteness?”

  1. Mo says:

    This is your space to vent. We’re here to give you all of the love and support you need.
    Spill. Feel free.

  2. tigger62077 says:

    What if we’re asking God to send someone along to keep us company on our journey and he sends us to you – someone who needs to share their burden? Two prayers, one answer! ๐Ÿ˜€

  3. Ericka says:

    I don’t think you should feel you need to apologize for whatever subjects you want to write about on your blog. ๐Ÿ™‚ It’s yours, it’s your place to get it all out. We all need to do it. I read a few posts back on yours and saw you were in a dark place and I hope you have found some more joy in your life. I know how hard it is and I wish you the best of luck. ICLW. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. I can so relate to this post
    well, except for the cat thing ๐Ÿ˜‰

    • aprilvak says:

      It was actually your post from Friday that got me on this line of thought, when you mentioned feeling behind. I realized that this morning when I went to do my rereading and commenting. *hug*

  5. I hide behind cuteness all the time. When I couldn’t tell people about my pregnancy I just posted dog pictures for two weeks. It happens.

  6. Hilary says:

    cats rock, and if that is what you feel like writing about, go for it. You should just do what you want to do and what feels right. This is blogging. there shouldn’t be rules!

  7. Belle says:

    April, you are an incredible writer and I look forward to these posts. Your words always leave me feeling introspective and inspired. Never once have I felt you were playing Debbie Downer. Hang in there and know we are here for you through the good, the bad and the really, really yucky. *hugs*

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