Something You Didn’t Know About Me, and Other Stuff

I feel like a bad blogger. I try to write enough extra posts on the weekends to get me through the week, but sometimes I don’t. I know there’s no rule that says you must post every single day or else, but I like writing, and I hope you like reading. Sometimes it’s hard for me to find the time during the week to write.

Because I have a sixteen-month-old stepdaughter.

Also because she has recently apparently decided that long naps (over 40 minutes) are for squares, but that’s beside the point.

She is my beautiful, bright, shining star. I love her so much. But I don’t know how to bring up the subject here. It’s my stumbling block.

This is what I was talking about Sunday. This is what I’ve been trying to make up for by refusing to take a break at all. I didn’t understand until this week that the reason I couldn’t stop, even for a day, was because I thought I had to prove to my husband that he didn’t have to go elsewhere to have a child. Somehow, I suddenly realized how bad that reasoning behind my actions was making me feel. And I don’t have to feel that way.

Infertility is bad. It really sucks. But it’s not the worst thing in the world. I would say that I’d gladly trade fertility for fidelity, but I might as well be spending the million dollars I don’t have. I never had fertility, and without infidelity, I wouldn’t have the marriage I have now. I’m not recommending it by any means, but I don’t know how we would be where we are now if we hadn’t been through what we have. And we are happy where we are now, and we’ll be happy where we’re going.

But during the week, when we have our baby girl, it can be really hard to write about infertility, or even think about it. And sometimes it’s all I can think about. Stupid catch-22s.

There is, however, something else that I’ve been preoccupied with this week.

I think we made it.

I think I’m pregnant. So does my husband, so does my mother, the doctor. I had a negative test two days ago, but that’s probably because I actually couldn’t wait to start peeing. Me. I never want to pee. I don’t until the day I start taking meds because I know that one lonely line will just make me feel bad.

But we agreed that I would pee. I still don’t know where he hid all my stuff, but he dug out the last test from wherever. And of course I went back to bed crying and demanding comfort snuggles. But I don’t believe it. I think it was just too soon, only 9 DPO (there’s that hated acronym!).

I didn’t even believe my chart when it told me I ovulated last week. I feel so lost and overwhelmed. And scared. Omg, so freaking scared.

I don’t fit in with moms because I have a daughter for four days a week who I didn’t meet until she was nine months old. I’m afraid I won’t fit in here anymore either. And I’m so afraid of losing that. I’m so afraid of losing you.

So don’t mind me, I’ll be completely crazy until next Tuesday. Is this what a real two week wait is all about? How do you do it??

14 Comments on “Something You Didn’t Know About Me, and Other Stuff”

  1. gwen says:

    I just found your blog, so you’re stuck with me! ๐Ÿ™‚ Happy to follow you wherever life takes you, pregnant or not! Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  2. The more pregnant I get the more nervous I get. I think it’s normal since at some point in infertility getting pregnant feels so abstract. Meanwhile, I wonder about the status of your uterus every 5 minutes, give or take! Good luck! FYI, I got a much earlier positive on a First Response Early Response and Clear Blue Digital as compared to my internet cheapies, which didn’t turn super obviously positive for a few more days. Good luck!

    • aprilvak says:

      Thank you! That was my last test, I’m asking hubby not to pick up any more until Monday night, or I’ll have used em before I said I was testing again.

  3. Mo says:

    Don’t freak out. You don’t know yet, and I hope for you it was too soon.
    And I promise you, if you are preggo, as long as you don’t smugly start comparing your baby to fruit, or do stupid memes about your nausea, we’ll stick around. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. My fingers are crossed that you are indeed pregnant!! Give it a few more days…good luck!

  5. teri says:

    My fingers are crossed for you too! Waiting is the worst!!!

  6. jjiraffe says:

    I’m so glad you chose this post for TWT, because I was LOOKING for this: somehow I missed it, and then I was reading about your step-daughter and I knew I had missed a beat ๐Ÿ™‚

    The wonderful thing about the infertility community is how welcoming it is, how diverse people’s situations are and I find, there’s just a general acceptance to everyone whose life has been touched by ALI.

    And I am thrilled to “meet” your step-daughter for the first time ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m so happy she’s in your life!

    • aprilvak says:

      Happy coincidences! I’d been thinking I probably needed to revisit this because some people surely missed it, and then there you were reminding me!

  7. Kathy says:

    I am here from the future via Time Warp Tuesday and so glad that you decided to join in this week! This is also my first visit to your blog and I agree with jjiraffe that our ALI Community is both welcoming and inclusive.

    My first reaction in reading this was how impressed with you I am — that you are embracing your step daughter and that your marriage is doing so well in spite of the infidelity. I pride myself on having an open mind and appreciate your honesty and candidness here.

    Thank you for sharing this. I look forward to reading more here and now I am really curious to find out if you are pregnant, having read this post you wrote almost two months ago! ๐Ÿ™‚

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